New revelations

Well a LOT has happened since our loss and my D&C on July 7th.  I saw my OB on the 10th as I felt something was seriously wrong.  My cramping was still quite intense (and I’m used to cramping with my severe endomitriosis), and the bleeding was heavier than they told me to expect as well.  He did a quick physical exam (gross) and expressed that he felt this was just going to be my “normal” for post op feelings as the surgeon was “certain” he had removed all remaining tissue.  I called him again on the 14th expressing the exact same feelings regarding the bleeding and cramping, and again was brushed off.  I called my GP right after and at least they arranged for an ultrasound on the 20th.  July 19th I was hit with sudden and severe (doubling over type) cramps and a sudden onset of HEAVY bleeding.  I called my GP’s emergency on-call doc and was advised to head to the ER.  Apparently in my city the ultrasound techs are sent home at 4pm on Sundays and are not called in unless it is an emergency.  They sent me home so DH instead took me to the nearest Urgent Care center.  Within an hour I had my answer – I still had retained products of conception.  I was angry but happy that I finally knew I wasn’t going crazy or being unreasonable.  That doc told me to follow up with my OB the following day and told me to try and rest.

July 20th was a whirlwind.  My OB (who originally refused to give me 1 ultrasound) wanted me to be tortured again and get a second opinion I guess with yet another ultrasound to confirm what we already knew.  I expressed my displeasure to that poor tech and thankfully she was as gentle as she could be, while still getting all the measurements and info my OB needed to move forward.  Sure enough – I had RPOC and it was larger than the tech from the previous day had thought. 😦

My OB armed with this new info, (and knowing it had been sitting inside me for 2 weeks) attempted to convince me to take the Misopropostol to “try and expel” the tissue.  I laughed at him.  Needless to say at that point I wanted it OUT, and out NOW!  I wasn’t about to go home and be in agony for 2-3 days to only need another D&C after that anyway.  I held my ground and was booked for surgery the following day.  My OB pulled strings to be able to perform the surgery himself rather than the on call surgeon, and I’m glad he did.  After all was said and done he let me know that the remaining placenta was quite “buried” in my uterine wall, so the Misopropostol would not have been able to expel the tissue.  It gave me some peace knowing I didn’t put myself through an unneccessary surgery.  Healing has been a bit easier compared to the first, so I’m hoping it’s all out now.  I find it incredibly frustrating that it isn’t “procedure” to perform an u/s after a D&C and I may ask for another one to ensure it is all gone now.  My beta still isn’t down to 0 (it was 54 on July 21 and down to 18 as of July 30), so I’m a bit worried.  I repeat my beta on Tuesday and we will go from there I guess.

 

Follow up with my clinic:

I met with my “new to me” doc at my clinic’s satellite center on July 27.  We went over my results for my Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel in depth (before I had just been told all was normal) and I was shocked to hear that all in fact was NOT “normal”!  I have a MTHFR gene mutation AND one of my Lupus anticoagulant tests came back “abnormal” and needed to be repeated 12 weeks from the original test.  They had these results before my 7 week ultrasound and taken together leads my new doc to believe that I should have at the VERY least been kept on my blood thinner (baby aspirin) longer than 10 weeks.  Would it have saved my baby girl?  Sadly we will never know.  BUT if these repeated tests come back postive for a clotting disorder you best belive I will be marching in to my old doc (and the clinic manager) to demand anwers!  Reading a FULL lab report shouldn’t be something that is difficult to do in this field.

My new doc and I agreed that a Hysteroscopy is indeed needed especially after the 2 surgeries I needed.  So now the waiting game begins for my actual period to start.  I haven’t stopped bleeding since the first D/C but judging by my hormones it is NOT my period (progesterone is less than 0).  So when good old AF decides to rear her ugly head, I will call in and schedule my Hysteroscopy between cycle day 5-10.  Depending on what that shows, we will start the monitoring for our next fresh IVF cycle after that.  Dr. J feels that a more aggressive approach in terms of stims may be in order as it appears my endo has done some damage to my ovaries judging from my previous cycle outcomes.  I have always had about double the amount of follicles than number of eggs we actually retrieve.  According to Dr J, this is something that happens in endo patients, so increasing the stim meds to produce more follicles (and hopefully more eggs) is something that needs to be done here.  Of course it’s a fine balance as increased egg quantity can also mean decreased egg quality – espeically if I get into OHSS territory.  So much more stress is on this cycle it seems.

 

Family Drama:

Well, as you’re aware, my parents left me in the hospital the day after the nightmare began to go visit my sister.  This decision obviously hurt me as my sister wasn’t in crisis and I feel they should have stayed with us.  Whether or not I am justified in my feelings, they are mine and I expressed them.  I was sent a scathing text message from my father basically telling me I was selfish for wanting them to choose between my sister and myself, and turned it all on my head.  He pretty much told me I was the “bad guy” and that I had a lot of work to do to tear down THEIR walls that they put up because WE hurt THEM.  Yeah – I am in shock.  I simply felt that there are certain times in a child’s life (especially a woman’s) when they need their Mom, and this was one of them!  I didn’t think I needed to beg them to stay, but I guess by not doing so they felt I was telling them to go.  Communication has always been lacking on the side of my parents, but perhaps I should have expressed msyelf clearer in this situation.  I just wasn’t able to say/do anything at that time.  I was living my worst nightmare and could barely function through the pain (emotional and physical).  So now I haven’t had any contact with my parents since the nasty text (and my Mom since the day after my surgery) and I feel even more alone.  My DH and his family are an amazing support, but they aren’t MY parents (if that makes any sense) and it hurts.  I hope we can all talk soon but I honestly don’t see that happening yet.  I won’t apologize for feeling the way I do, and they won’t speak to us without our apologies.  😦

 

New fears:

So now I’m faced with a whole new set of fears.  I’m terrified that I do have a clotting disorder and that we could have yet another miscarriage.  I’m terrified that my body won’t respond as well to the medications and that our cycle will be a bust.  I’m terrified that I won’t have the support of my Mom through my next cycle and I that I won’t be able to cope alone (she’s been a huge support/sounding board thoughout the past 6 cycles and losses), and most of all I’m terrified that I won’t be able to complete our family and give our son the sibling he deserves. 😦  Adoption and surrogacy aren’t for us, so if IVF doesn’t work then we will have to move forward as a family of 3.

 

So that’s what I’ve been up to.  I’ll keep everyone posted as this new journey begins.  My gut feeling is an October retrieval/transfer.  *fingers crossed*

 

Trigger Warning – Heartbreak and Loss, what a nightmare

Well it is safe to say that I am now heartbroken and empty, both physically and emotionally. What was supposed to be a happy day on Monday to see our baby at my 13w3d ultrasound, turned into my worst nightmare.  I had met my new OB on Friday and he is absolutely amazing. A bit “touchy feely” but very caring, determined to be there for his patients and quite competent.  He told me to come see him after my ultrasound to discuss the IPS bloodwork and if we wanted to go through with it that day.  Looking back I’m glad he did.  He couldn’t find baby on the doppler that day but wasn’t worried at all. He assured me that at this stage they like to discretely hide behind bowel or bladder and that I would be able to see my bean on Monday.  He made me feel better and at least I was able to enjoy my weekend.

To get back to the nightmare – My first words to the tech were “Just please tell me there is a heartbeat. My OB couldn’t find it on Friday and I’m terrified.” She checked and smiled at me as she said “there’s a heartbeat, baby is fine.” I let out an audible sigh of relief and watched her go about taking measurements etc. It felt like forever, but she had warned me on the walk in that it can take a bit if baby isn’t in the right position or doesn’t cooperate. I laid there waiting for the moment that she called my husband and Mom (who happened to be visiting) in so we could all see baby together.  The tech got up and said she would be right back.  Enter the nightmare.  Another tech comes in and proceeds to grab the ultrasound wand.  Immediately I was on high alert and asked what was going on.  The look on her face said it all for me – the news wasn’t good.  She explained that the tech had thought she saw a heartbeat but it seemed that she had seen my blood vessel which was behind baby at the time. Apparently a mistake that happens, but sadly our little angel had gained her wings about 5 days previous.  I asked her to get my husband and we all cried together as she explained that they usually have a doctor in the office to see me, but there wasn’t one that day. I assured her that I was to see my OB directly after the ultrasound so she was pleased I at least had care ASAP.  For me I had to see for myself so I asked to see our angel.  She found baby on screen and sure enough I could plainly see that there wasn’t that telltale flicker in her chest. (I am using “her” as I felt this was a girl)  I had to see that for myself to be able to move forward with next steps.  She let us take our time so we just held one another for a few mins and then made our way to my OB office across the street.

My OB was almost as heartbroken as us. He took us into their lunchroom so I didn’t have to sit in the waiting area with pregnant women, or in the rooms with pictures of babies etc. We cried together some more and I explained that I just wanted things done and over with. That said we also wanted testing done on our angel to hopefully get some answers.  My OB delicately explained that if we wanted the testing I would have to deliver “naturally” and not via D&C.  I immediately stated that I would NOT deliver my baby at home in my bathroom with my 3yr old outside the door, then have to bring our angel in for testing.  There was NO way in HELL that DH and I were emotionally/mentally/physically able to handle that.  My OB understood and called the hospital to have me admitted.  We went home to change, get my bag together and try and convince my parents to stay 1 more day before they left to see my sister, so they could watch our son. (That’s a story for another time as my dysfunctional family is a bit much) We arrived at the hospital at 11:30am, got into my room and waited for my OB to come and start the process.  We were numb.  The “I am so sorry” statements and pats on the arm from the nurses helped, but felt so impersonal.  I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare and go back to a time when I was excited to see our baby.  I wasn’t ready to meet her yet, and surely not prepared to have to go through labour so early.  Yes it isn’t the same as a full term delivery for pain, but trust me – those contractions were NOTHING to laugh through.  The pain meds he prescribed to “help” did absolutely nothing when it got intense.

The meds were administered at 1pm, and I started to bleed around 5pm.  My OB was expecting things to take 24hrs or more before anything happened, so perhaps my body had already recognized that our angel had gained her wings.  The worst part was passing what the nurse believed to be baby and placenta around 8pm and 9:30pm respectively so I sent DH home at 11pm to be with our son while I waited to see the on call OB/surgeon that was held up and couldn’t make our 8pm medication administration.  No sooner had DH left and I started feeling what I can only describe as “transition” for a delivery at 13 1/2 weeks. By 11:45pm I was in tears and begging for more meds which I had to wait until 12:15am for.  Trust me I was pretty upset they couldn’t bump it half an hour but I understand protocol.  At 12:05am I delivered our sweet angel.  I am ashamed to say that I panicked when I saw her and started to shake. Looking back I wish I would have taken some time to say goodbye rather than buzz for the nurse and curl up and cry.  The nurse was amazing and held me while I cried until I felt the need to deliver the placenta.  She even held my hand while that happened.  I called my DH and we cried together as I attempted to convince him that he did nothing wrong by leaving.  My blood pressure tanked that night 90/65 so I had a flurry of excitment around me as nurses opened my fluids full force and made me talk to them for a while.  I guess losing a large amount of blood isn’t a good thing. Thankfully my hemoglobin is on the high side of normal at baseline so even with the loss my levels were still in “normal range” when they dropped 50pts.

The OB/surgeon finally showed up at 1am only to tell me that it should be over now and wouldn’t help at all with the pain.  Little did she know that I had retained tissue that was still causing me to cramp like nobody’s business.  At 9am I went for my ultrasound to check on what if anything was left.  There are no words for being wheeled into a waiting room in a hospital gown, and be surrounded by happy pregnant women and couples while I am crying softly to myself.  The 2nd tech from the day before saved me from my jaded misery and brought me back as soon as she saw my name.  She was amazing and held my hand through the ultrasound.  She told me I still had “tissue” so I knew that meant a probable D&C and braced myself for that.

My Mom visited for 3mins on her way out of town and wouldn’t let my Dad come up as she didn’t want to park. (yes you read that right) Thankfully my DH and his family were all with me from 1pm until I went for surgery at 5:30pm.  Surgery went well I was told, but to anyone that is curious, the “Michael Jackson drug” that he overdosed on – it BURNS!! I fell asleep crying on the operating table and woke up just as mad.  The surgeon apparently feels that if you can’t take codeine then you don’t deserve any pain management for home care though as he didn’t even send me home with stronger anti inflammatories than “Advil” and to take Tylenol for pain. Yeah that was a joke.  I was at my GP the following morning and at least she prescribed me Naproxen and a pain med for when I needed.  My blood pressure still isn’t where they want it to be (102/70) so my GP wants me to check in with them in a few days.

Yesterday and today have been a flood of emotions and feelings both emotionally and physically.  The cramping and pain still isn’t where I thought it would be.  I do have stage 4 endomitriosis and fibroids in my uterus so I get that I’m not a “normal” D&C case, but this is ridiculous!  I barely slept last night (and knew it would be rough) so I let my DH and son sleep in our bed and I stayed on the couch.  I feel like a failure at the moment.  I am doing my best to stay positive and try not to go down the rabbit hole of “what did I do wrong” but I have a few moments of weakness.   My Dad text me last night to check in (my Mom barely has) and it broke my heart.  I delivered our angel on his birthday and he is taking it hard.  He was always my “rock” growing up and he rarely showed emotion.  Hearing the tone of his text and seeing the tears in his eyes as I left for the hospital on Monday still haunt me.  He’s said throughout this journey that he stays cautious in the horrible event that it doesn’t go as expected because “someone needs to pick up the pieces”.  Sadly my Mother didn’t allow him to put me back together.

DH is being his stoic self which scares me.  He’s my rock and I love him for it, but I am scared that he won’t get a chance to let his feelings out and actually grieve. 😦  He has only let go once during this whole process.  I was laying in my hospital bed and I thanked him for being my rock, but I also explained that this was his loss as well and he was allowed to be upset.  He finally broke down, but quickly regained his composure and attempted to make me laugh.  I am afraid that he will bottle his emotions up and it will hurt us.  I’ve been looking into counselling to see if that can help us through this difficult time, but I’m a bit apprehensive about group counselling as it seems there is a sense of “who has suffered more” or I get told I am selfish for wanting another baby when other people haven’t had one yet. 😦  Yes we were blessed with our son, but it doesn’t mean that our family is complete. It is so frustrating.

My second worst nightmare also came true tonight.  Our son (whom I had hoped would forget about me being pregnant) came running up and asked me about his baby brother or sister.  I smiled with tears in my eyes and said “I’m sorry but there isn’t a baby my dear.”  Well he is his father’s son and his memory is impeccable.  He argued with me and said “Yes there is Mommy! I saw it at the doctor, and it is in your tummy. Right THERE!” As he rubbed my empty abdomen.  I felt like a failure at that point because I couldn’t even find words.  I could barely breathe and thankfully managed to call for DH to help.  He took our son upstairs and explained that the baby was gone.  DH is Catholic, but our son hasn’t been exposed to religion enough to try and explain death by “Heaven” etc.  Our son came back down to me and asked why I was sad.  I was able to choke out that it was because the baby was gone.  He looked at me with sad eyes and said “I’m sad too Mommy. I miss the baby brother or sister.  Please can I have one?”

 

Why is this journey so difficult and unfair?!?!  I managed to appease him by saying that we are trying, but it will take a while.  My clinc said I can start again as soon as my beta drops to 0. So we now wait, and pray that our next cycle (which will be fresh) sticks for the long haul.

 

Thanks for following.  I will update when we get going again.  Or perhaps if I need to vent out some emotions over the next few weeks.  I hope to wake up soon from this nightmare…